by Mishna Hernandez, Youth Community Member
Hands shaking, thoughts racing, stomach dropping.
Fork to plate, fork to mouth, over and over
Fullness getting closer and closer.
“You’re ruining it”, the Voice said
Cold, desperate, cruel.
It had me convinced
that hunger would bring my end
and I would not be missed.
Humanity.
Such a foreign idea.
Growing up with no tranquility.
Silence and forgetting, the panacea
for difficult feelings and pain.
Perfection, care-taking, self-sacrifice,
values from that Voice in my head,
soft and caring but really just death in disguise,
comfortable roles that with help I can break.
Values of my healthy self:
fairness, compassion, peace, and advocacy
Everyone is deserving
except me, for my inadequacy.
Everyone is free to make mistakes
except me, who must exist beyond humanity
Everyone is free to take up space
except me, so I make myself small.
Everyone can be human,
feel emotions,
fall down,
and have needs.
Except for me
I didn’t need that
as long as I did what the Voice in my head ordered me to do.
Waking up from the gaslighting
is so much easier said than done.
That Voice kept me safe and smiling
and kept me from feeling overrun.
It hurt me, yelled at me, made me feel like nothing.
Yet in tough moments, it always held my hand
“Nothing can hurt
if you disconnect your mind and body”.
Turned into an introvert.
Survived on only coffee.
That day
in which I felt my smallest
I found a bit of strength.
This Voice,
this friend
had never given me a choice
and had come to depend
on its control over my mind.
I had to fight,
but not alone.
I had to fight,
but not alone.
I looked for a light
and now I’m deep in a battle zone.
That Voice, like a parasite,
finds a brand new lie.
The enemy was food,
and now it is life.
Nothing will satisfy its appetite
until I say goodbye
before my time.
Except now, I can not let it win
It might succeed in a battle
but I know where I’ve been
and I’m no longer fragile.
Everyone can be human,
feel emotions,
fall down,
and have needs.
Except for me.
I didn’t need that.
At least, that’s the way it used to be.
At the start of every day
I have a choice to make:
dive into the unknown and live in the gray
or choose the Voice for comfort’s sake.
I know where the latter choice leads
so maybe this time I can expel the Voice from my head
and give myself a chance instead
